I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
