Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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