dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
