It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
me + whiskey = a bad person
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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