Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
