So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
