girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
