Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
