She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
