I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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