New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
