it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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