so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
