I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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