she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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