i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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