Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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