I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
