Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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