I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
