She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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