dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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