We won't sleep together?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
