he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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