Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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