its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
