just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
