the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
