Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
