theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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