Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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