I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
