Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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