he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
