We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
