hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
