she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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