My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
