did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
