I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You're like the curious george of whores
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
