I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
