This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
