1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Come see our sink grown plant.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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