My hand turned me down
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
