the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF