I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.