I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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