Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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