Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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