Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish you could order shots online.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
