I love black thongs
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
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I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Are my feet made of real feet?
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Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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