don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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