He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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