Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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