Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
