So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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