genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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